Silence , louder than a gunshot
The pulse of emptiness, my constant companion
It’s the lonely heart that is maddening
As darkness becomes life
In contemplation of broken expectation
Repetitious moments of nothingness
As time stretches
Surety becomes insolence
Indifference a witness
Of events, yet material
The truth is a bitter pill
As promises become monotonous rout
In the face of steel cold expectation
Yet , never made real
Assurances ring hollow
As each grain of sand descends
Tick, tick, tick
Ringing like a gong in my brain
Though, in truth, passes in silence
A dream though held dear, yet in vain?
Once more, I’m left wanting… needing…
Believing in the shining contemplation
The image of the fortunate
Drunk on the wine of the amorous soul
Yet, betrayed by my foolish fate
Adrift on the questioning tide
Of Indifference
Each day I wake , pursuing a future
That exists in a flux on ambiguity
Like mists at dawn, fleeting
Ethereal
Unreal
Such is my witness
Each experience, flavorless
Unsubstantiated
Unrequited
Never reciprocated
I exist, survive the onslaught
Of inner demons
As they celebrate my misery
Cheer my pain
As the beauty I pursue seems oblivious
Of my tortured existence
My doubtful gaze
I suffer in silence
With baited breath
And hope against hope
My emotional wounds are self-inflicted
Rather than a Damocles blade
To strike my already broken and battered soul
Shattering a future yet written
A fate left undreamed.
An Original Poem By H.R. Beebe
Dying of the Light
Lost in a whirlwind
Adrift in need to heal
To renew
Desire unfulfilled
Can it be again?
Long time dead
Feeling empty
Cold
Left to my solitude
I remain in a status
Of the mundane
I existed
Yet did I live?
I had the semblance
None of the zeal
Flat lined normalcy
I felt nothing
Not love
Not hate
Indifference colored in shades of gray
Craving
Something to fight for
As I tripped the moral coil
I was just present
Like a kid in the back of the classroom
I paid little attention to the stream of days
Years as they wheeled by in cycle
I was alone in myself
I justified my purgatory
As a duty
A commitment
A relationship
Though in truth, it was simply easy
Familiar self abuse
To experience or rather not experience
Anything
Could I justify ambivalence?
My scattered soul?
My lacking realization
I knew true insanity… the insanity of those who simply remain
As time passed I (saw) my worthless plight
In the mirror of my regret
A decade separated from myself
Suffering the nothingness in silent resignation
My illusion, a facade of complacency
Self-imposed isolation
A death nell of a love that never really was
My future the road less traveled
For fear of abandoning dreams
Scattered remnants of hopes that are long desiccated
I took the first step in the wake of a death
A pain spared by the grave
Thanos mercy the cruelest respite
Not to see the devastation
Of the loss
The truth laid bare
The fear unfelt
As the once bright flame
Finally died
An Original Poem by H.R. Beebe
Online Dreams : Lying Realities
So you hated, we dated
Online need you used
As a sign, you said
Your happiness is a paramount concern
Mine left unseen
We progressed, we saw
A desire for control ruled all
As time passed, you showed
The truth in a phrase, a curse
Photos a threat
Give me…. I need
Don’t make me
Take another act before it’s too late
Love, not present
Though you whispered your truth
Ice cold your lies
Reflected the words became weapons
Narcissistic shadows in a demented scene
Forcing the present, a future disease
Control a mission
Your betrayal a hidden reality
Fictional future
Empty house of dreams
Your words are poison
Your true thoughts are not of me
The old tune replayed
Melody is the same
The lie is not a new thing
Simply repetitious and replayed.
An Original Poem by H.R. Beebe
An Angel of Retribution: Never Trust A Dream
The dawn darkened by the eclipse
As my world fell in down
Everything I had held dear
Lost to the lie of light
Just when I thought she was real
I trusted her light even though I guess
I knew … deep down knew her true nature
Like you know, the dark clouds bring rain
I thought… maybe this time, the sun would shine even as the wind rose I held on
From the false dawn of her appearance
I held on to my belief, like a dry man thinks the mirage is true
I kept reaching out for the illusion of water
Illusion of light as I saw what I thought an angel
Who had saved my black heart in the lowest moment
My darkest time, she appeared
Sweet nectar flowing from her continuance
Beauty radiated from her light
I was taken, a man desperate for a dream
Lost in a decade of meaninglessness
My future just ashes burned up by reality
My hopes sundered by truth in the moment
A cliff to oblivion stretched before my eyes
A lie appeared dressed as a dream
A lie in the form of salvation
Appeared to offer a moments relief
Time ceased to have meaning
I stood in the steel hard rain
Alone in my understanding
Alone in my despair
Resigned to my fate
As a tear escaped my will
She appeared a gold image
A fiery vision of a chance
She whispered, hope
Spoke of desire… spoke of need
An image of an angel
Her secret is a devilish deed
You see the devil is in the details
The lies so close to the truth
The devil was once an angel, too
Desire was a lasso made of gold
She whispered love and caring
As she took her fill gave nothing
But the truth of her betrayal
Narcissistic in her endeavors
Control in her intent
The moment revealed
Demonic actions
Promise changed in an instant to pain
Hope to loss indeed
The sunrise I had been chasing
Was a false dawn seen
As the storm clouds gathered
Hard steel rain intervened
My Savior a villain
My salvation was a pipedream
The lesson taught is
Never trust a
Dream
An Original Poem by H.R. Beebe
A California Dream
A question left unanswered
As I see the way you do
Your words hollow as you go another way
I’m left out here hanging … just hanging in space
You see, you want what you want, demand what you need
Know what don’t you see? You dont see Me
An empty seat, I’m not present
A man alone.
Did you need me? Did you care?
Were there others who filled my place there?
Professed love left hanging, empty words
A means to an end
Wanted what you wanted
Im just a means to an end.
It’s funny how I believed
Guess I saw what I wanted to see
In the end, there may be others
To fill the place I wanted to be
Know who won’t be there to be filled with pain to see?
Me.
An Original Poem by H.R. Beebe
The Model’s Gift
Here we go again
Darkness black as night
The things I hoped were real
Was it
Or just a lie?
My hopes my needs
Just shadows in relief
I thought it was love
Or was it just a mirage
fooling me
I hoped I prayed
Lost in my own tale
The truth was more blatant
The actual more real
She said the right things
I stupidly believed
For just a moment
I dared to have dreams
Touched … I felt it
I allowed the moment to be
In that instant It was made real
If only to me
Can I trust again
Could I open and be me
To let her know
The actual me?
It’s always been bad
To show them the truth
To step to the light
To let it be
Seen
The shield lowered
If only for a chance
But when it all came in focus
It was more darkness
It made no sense
Empty promises
Golden words lined with tin
Stolen chances
Pain
Again
In the end
What was left ?
Broken promises
And one standing alone
Me
An Original Poem by H.R. Beebe
Emptiness: The Winter Darkly
Bleak the ever frost of my heart separates me
Divides me from humanity in ways I can’t yet fanthom or comprehend
Day by day, I fight to give to love to feel something..
Yet time and again words fail me, and I feel cold inside
Left bitter at the betrayal and disrespect empty
When I should have felt longing and regret
for those I lost, I felt nothing
Was it due to some trauma I endured, unaware of its effect on my psyche, my soul?
Or simply was I incapable of the full measure of love others possess?
The winter cold reflects the distance between my soul and the world
Alone in a crowd
Searching for a lifeline
Left staring into the dark mirror of my discontent
An ocean between my troubled heart and the world of light
Cast into a pit of my own experience
Left to ponder what bulwark that divides
Surrounded by beauty calling out to me
My hand stayed by that unseen force
That unkind gulf halting my chance
At normalcy
At redemption
Confounded by my own understanding
That splinter in my brain
Not just the lack
But, knowing that it stems from
A coldness perhaps I was bequeath
At birth, an inheritance of nothingness
That accompanies ones sure knowledge
Of their own humanity
And the sorrow , as you weep for your own fate
The feeling called love a spector
That to me never materializes
And so doesn’t exist at
All
An Original Poem by H.R. Beebe
Love Unimagined
Desire
A self-fulfilling reality
Selfish by design
Without a thought of another
A plain blank page
Consideration of nothing
But need in the moment
A use without guilt
Purpose without care
Taking…all that has meaning
Value, worth
Leeching of everything that represents goodness
Until emptiness remains
A life without meaning
Adrift in the void
Of a grey existence
Just another day in a place called
Earth…
An Original Poem by H.R. Beebe
I Think.. I Dream
I seek solace
In the comfort hand
The warmth of the secret kiss
The hidden embrace
Shadowed feelings.. electronic deeds
A cybernetic system to fill my need
There and then not yet you want the real
You act as though together not words on a screen
Seperated by space… by times constant flow
Acting familiar
Know you I don’t
Your voice, your smile
Not even an image
Those you withheld
Alone.. in my thoughts only you dwelled
So what is Reality?
What is the truth?
Do you exist at all?
Or am I loving myself in abstract relief
Alone in a room with a silence companion
My own addled belief that you exist at all
A mental aberration concocted by need
Simply a reflection .. Im alone indeed
A person , idea, feeling
To lead
Me to you
Yet… is it you at all
Or just a reflection
Of Me.
An Original Poem by H.R. Beebe
Innocence Lost
A spark of insight
The wonder revered
As so many chased it
Yet so few understood
The nature of their desire
Fated in silence
Years passed them alone
As they wandered searching for meaning
Lost in a facade built to misdirect
To confuse them
Illusions of grandeur
Hidden in lies of benefit
Being the boss, only to show they weren’t
Thinking they had value
Only to find they were the discarded dream
Used then left to fade away
As age slowly takes them
Leaving … the empty , disjointed, the lost
The Truth finally appears
That it all was a scam, a misdirection, a promise of lacking, wanting
They followed the false idol
Of the physical ..
Abused the moment in hopes of the dream
Yet years became unforgiving masters
Yoking them to the image
Wrought in self abuse
Dissolutioned by their experiences
As reality raped them again and again
Breaking hope , sundering their souls
A gift of despair, an inheritance of hate
Bequeathed for the weary hearts that
Traveled the bitter lane
Their youth extinguished as the Seconds
Dragged forward day passing to day
A moment at a time.. forced to live a present that a past future delegated
In the silences of each twilight
The glimmers of promise perish
As their legacy is revealed
The scope of the deception finally
Apparent
As the darkness engulfs them
Closing in on every side
The idea slowly fades
Leaving the nothing… in its place.
An Original Poem by H.R. Beebe
